An Unexpected Match Page 25
“He’s not.”
Davy looked at Rachel in disbelief. “Really?”
She nodded, feeling his reaction in the roiling of her stomach. And she knew it would get worse before it would get better.
“We need to get Datt,” Levi told his brother.
The boys took off at a run, the outhouse abandoned in the lane.
Rob put his arm around Rachel’s shoulders and drew her close. He kissed the top of her head. “Want to change your mind?”
“About what?”
“About me. About college. About everything.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “No, I can’t. This is one time I can’t finesse the situation the way I’d like.”
“I wish it were possible to keep what you love. I hate to see you hurt like this.”
She looked up at him. “I love you.”
“Well, you get to keep me forever, no matter what.” He smiled that wonderful smile.
Datt came out of the barn and looked down the lane to them. She couldn’t read his expression from here, but she saw the slump of his shoulders. Poor Datt.
“Mr. Miller!” Rob’s voice was strong. “May I speak with you?” He didn’t wait for an answer but strode toward the man. “I’ll see you inside,” he called over his shoulder to Rachel.
She stood for a minute watching the two men she loved talking. Pepper sidled up to her and leaned in, and it felt like comfort. Rachel fondled the animal’s ears, and Pepper let herself be touched longer than usual, like she sensed Rachel’s need.
With a quick lick on the hand, Pepper walked away and Rachel was left to climb the porch steps alone. She saw Mom step back from the window. When she walked in, her mother was standing at the stove stirring a large pot of what would be homemade applesauce.
“Smells good, Mom.”
“Of course it does. My applesauce is always gut.”
Rachel sat at the kitchen table. A silence noisy with nuance filled the room. Finally Mom spoke.
“Who is he?”
“His name is Rob Lanier.”
“Do you make it a habit to hang on Englisch men?”
“Mom!”
“You know a man well enough to hang on him and we didn’t even know about him?”
“I’m going to marry him, Mom.”
“No, you are not.”
“I am. He’s asking Datt for permission now.”
“You know he will not give it.”
“I know.”
“And you will still marry him?”
Seeing tears in her mother’s eyes made Rachel’s eyes sting. “I will.”
“Rachel! Is he good like Aaron was?”
“He’s very good, Mom.” Better for me than Aaron. “He loves God and is a fine Christian.”
Mom sniffed in distrust. “He isn’t Amish.”
Rachel said nothing. What could she say?
“Your hair is loose. It’s uncovered.”
Rachel’s hand went to her head.
“The Bible says women should have their heads covered. Even the Mennonites cover their heads, at least some of them.”
Another comment she couldn’t counter. The Bible did say that, and a discussion about the effect of culture on some passages of Scripture was not a good idea.
“I’m going to college, Mom. I want to become a college professor.”
At that pronouncement, Mom pulled her applesauce from the stove and sat. “A professor? In the world? Rachel!”
“I love you, Mom. You know that, right?” Rachel reached across the table for Mom’s hands. “But I have to do this. I feel like I’m finally living true to who I am. I’ve been keeping me, the real me, hidden for too long. I want to learn. I want to study.”
“It will take you from Gott.”
“Not unless I let it.”
Clearly Mom didn’t agree. “So you will leave us. You will leave the Gmay so you can learn?”
“I’d stay if I was allowed to learn and be Amish.”
“And what about him? You would stay Amish and give him up?”
“I don’t know. Just as I need to learn, I need to be with him.”
“You need to be with an Amish man.”
She shook her head. “I need to be with Rob. He’s a gift to me from God.”
Mom’s disagreement screamed in the silence.
The door opened and Datt entered, Rob behind him. Datt walked around the table to Mom and stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders. Rob came to stand beside Rachel. She looked up at him and tried to smile. He reached out a hand and she slid hers into it.
“Your young man has spoken to me, Rachel.” Datt looked tired and older than she’d ever seen him. Her heart broke that she’d made him look this way.
“He asked for permission to marry you.” Datt looked at their joined hands. “Of course I cannot say go and Gott bless you like I did with you and Aaron. I cannot.”
Rachel nodded and felt Rob tighten his grip.
“But I will say that for an Englischer, he seems a nice man.”
“Oh, Datt!” She flew around the table and hugged him. “Thank you!”
He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. “You know I’m not happy. In fact I am very sad. To lose you to the world—” He stopped to swallow. Mom pulled up her apron and wiped her eyes.
Rachel fell to her knees beside her mother. “Mom, I’m not doing this to make you sad or because of anything you did wrong. You were the best mother there is. You are the best mother there is. That’s why I brought Amy to meet you all. I wanted her to see how wonderful you are.”
Mom sighed and looked away. “It will take me a while to get used to this, Rachel. A knife in the heart always hurts.”
Rachel got to her feet wondering how to pull out the knife just driven into her own heart.
She walked to Rob. “Let’s go,” she mouthed.
They had reached the door when Datt spoke. “We are sad and hurt, Rachel, but you are our daughter. We will always love you. Right, Ida?”
Mom looked up from studying her lap. “You are our daughter.”
Outside they found Levi, Davy, and Abner on the porch.
“Can we still talk to you?” Davy asked, his face filled with uncertainty.
“Of course,” Rachel said, forcing herself to sound upbeat. “And you can come see me any time you want. After all I’m just down the road.”
“We could come now,” Abner said, ever ready for a new adventure.
Rachel went down on one knee and hugged her little brother, knocking his hat off in the process. “Not now, buddy. Your dinner’s almost ready. And is the milking finished?”
Abner picked his hat up by its brim and set it on his head. “Are we finished?” he asked Levi.
Levi held out his hand. “Come on. Let’s go check.”
Rachel watched her brothers walk to the barn. Just before they disappeared inside, Levi and Davy both looked back and gave a little wave. She raised her hand in salute. And they were gone.
Her whole family whom she loved was gone. Oh, they and she and Rob would come to a détente because they did love each other, but it would never be the same.
“Oh, Rob!” Her hand covered her mouth to hold back the pain.
He pulled her close. “Shush, babe. Shush.”
“Will she forgive me? Will he get back the spring in his step? Will the boys ever understand?”
“I think so. In fact I was surprised at how well things went.”
“Really?”
“Really. Every day in my family is more contentious than this was.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I wish. Now let’s go back to your house where you can cry it out for as long as you need to.”
Chapter 37
Rachel found going to church with Rob was both exciting and frightening. Her stomach fluttered as she worried over what to expect at an Englisch service.
“You’ll keep me from doing something wrong?” she asked as they climbed from his
car in the parking lot.
“We discourage arguing with the pastor during his sermon,” Rob said with a straight face.
“People actually do that?” She was shocked.
He grinned. “I’m teasing. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.”
How quickly her life had changed! Two weeks ago she’d gone to church with her parents at Meullers’ farm, sat with the women on the backless benches, helped serve the meal after service, come home and read. Today the Gmay was gathering at Jonah and Miriam’s. Everyone would be there but her, and she would be a topic of conversation.
Communion was only two weeks away. Her fall from grace would be the perfect illustration of the need to keep pure and avoid the world. Poor Mom and Datt. It hurt them so to know she had walked away from her heritage, especially as they recommitted themselves to the Gmay today in preparation for Communion. And the boys and her sisters would be hurt. Even Aaron’s family would be hurt, trying to understand how their much missed son and brother could have married someone so willful and misguided.
She gripped Rob’s hand. She knew she’d made the only choice she could, but whenever she thought of the rift she’d created, she had to blink away tears. Maybe it would become easier with time. Right now it was very hard and Rob was her lifeline.
Her heart thundered as he escorted her into the church. She’d never before worshipped in a building that wasn’t someone’s home. He led her into a large room with a stage at the front. He selected a row and they took seats, permanent seats with backs. All around her men and women sat together instead of segregated, and whole families sat together in several of the pews.
The differences from what she was used to screamed at her. Instead of a room filled with people wearing black and white, patterns and colors ran riot. Some people wore jeans and some dress clothes. When people filed onto the stage, they carried musical instruments. When they began to play, everyone stood up. Instead of slow cadenced music sung in unison and High German, the beat was fast and the English words projected on a screen.
When the service was over after a little more than an hour, she was on sensory overload.
“It’s going to take time,” she told Rob as he drove her home.
“Of course it is,” he agreed.
“I know they sang to the Lord and the pastor preached from the Bible, but it feels like another step on the road to perdition. I know—” she tapped her head—“that God is bigger than my district, but it feels—” she placed her hand over her heart—“like I’m lost.”
“God won’t let you go, Rachel. He’s got you firmly in His hand. Hold on to what you know, not what you feel.”
They had gone to an early service because Rob wanted to drive to Allenwood to see his father.
“Can I go with you?” Doing something like visiting would make Sunday seem more normal. And she wouldn’t be alone.
“He’s a very difficult man, sweetheart,” Rob said. “You don’t have to put yourself through meeting him, especially with all you’re going through right now.”
“I want to meet him. He’s your father.”
Rob squeezed her hand. “I’d like to prep him for you. Next time, okay? The drive is about two and a half hours. The visit itself won’t be long. Dad’s tolerance for family is very low.” He gave a sad shrug. “So I’ll be home by dinner easily.”
“I’ll have it ready.”
He took her by the shoulders. “Don’t feel you have to cook if doing so on the Sabbath makes you uncomfortable.”
“I’ve got a leftover meat loaf and some late tomatoes and some applesauce Amy and I made last week.”
“Sounds wonderful. I’m hungry already.” And he was gone.
After he left, she went to the refrigerator to check what other things she might have already prepared.
The meat loaf was gone.
Max enjoyed going out for brunch with friends after church. There were usually five of them besides her—Bebe, Sue, Vicki, Janice, and Janice’s husband, Cliff, the only man. He called the women his harem and seemed to enjoy himself without manly backup.
Laughing with these friends each week went a great way to easing her grief, at least temporarily. It also was the extra push to go to church when it would be easier to sleep in. Sitting alone each week, singing the songs, watching the couples sitting together, shoulders touching, made Buddy’s absence acute.
She hadn’t been home long when there was a knock at the front door. She’d been about to check the TV for an Eagles game. Instead she went to see who was calling.
“Rachel!” On Sunday. In English clothes. “You don’t have to knock. Just let yourself in.”
Her cheeks were flushed as if she was either embarrassed or excited. “I came to get my clothes.”
“You’re going to keep them at your house?” Wasn’t that risky?
“And the car, though I have to move Rusty first.”
“What?” She pulled Rachel into the living room. “Okay. Tell me all! I mean, last Saturday you were despondent about life. Monday and Friday evenings you were sad and preoccupied. Now you’re—” Now she was quietly effervescent, little bubbles of excitement escaping like from a soda sitting in a glass. “Tell me.”
Rachel just smiled.
Curiosity finally got the better of Max. “Isn’t today a church Sunday? And you’re obviously not there.”
Some of the sparkle dimmed. “It is and I’m not. And it hurts.”
Max went to her with open arms. “I bet it does.” Losing her People must feel for Rachel like losing Buddy felt for her. It was that amputated limb that kept twitching and hurting. Well, maybe not quite as bad as her ache over Buddy because her family and friends were all still here and she would see them. It was the relationship that would never be the same, fractured by her leaving. Repaired somewhat over time, but like Humpty Dumpty, never put back together.
Rachel held on tight. “I didn’t really have any other choice.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to be a college professor.” There was wonder and excitement in her voice. “Next semester I’m going to school full-time.”
“And for many semesters to come! I think that’s wonderful, Rachel. You’re a brilliant young woman. You should be using that mind of yours in the way you’re wired to use it.”
“I’m wired to be an academic.”
“I can picture that easily. I’m sorry your People don’t understand your kind of intelligence.”
“A lot of them are smart and have been able to submit their intelligence to the Gmay. I feel somewhat of a failure that I haven’t been able to do so.”
“You certainly tried.”
“I did, but my kind of mind doesn’t fit that box.”
“Have you ever had your IQ tested?”
“No. Maybe someday. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I made my decision and while I feel so sad about the hurt I’ve dealt my family and others I love, I feel like I’m free. I can be the person God made me.”
“And what about Rob?” Buddy, there’s more than just college in that glow of hers. You wait and see.
Rachel’s cheeks turned scarlet and Max laughed.
“I take it that blush is a good sign.”
“He came over yesterday.” Rachel stopped and grinned.
“And?” Max waved her hand in circles in a come-on-spit-it-out gesture.
“And we’re going to get married.”
“Yikes! That was fast. Are you sure?” Someone had to ask the mother type question.
Rachel’s grin was slightly goofy, a delight to see. “Oh, yeah, I’m sure.”
This time Max’s hug was congratulatory. They sat as Rachel told all the details of last evening, including the story of Rob asking for her hand.
“Of course Datt couldn’t say yes. We knew that. But he did say that for an Englischer, Rob was very nice.”
Max laughed. See, Buddy? I was right encouraging her. She’s happy, really happy, happier than she is sad, and that
’s good.
She didn’t want to gloat, but vindication was sweet.
Rob sat in the visitors’ lounge at Allenwood Federal Prison across the table from his father.
“I’m going to get married, Dad.” He waited to see what the reaction to this announcement would be, if any.
His father raised his eyebrows, a massive response given his usually stoic expression. Whether the eyebrows indicated positive or negative feelings, Rob couldn’t tell.
“She’s a former Amish girl, Dad. Her name is Rachel Beiler. I met her in my class.”
“She was Amish?”
“Until recently.”
“Why’d she leave?” He looked Rob up and down with a sour expression. “You?”
Rob thought of the love and sorrow at the Miller house. If there was ever a time his father had loved him and felt even a slight interest in anything he did, it was long past. Now, if Rob read things correctly, he bored the man.
“Do you like anybody, Dad?” The question came unbidden, as unexpected to Rob as it was to his father, but Rob wasn’t sorry he asked it.
Eugene Lanier looked at him, arrogant and critical, then away without answering.
Rob sighed. “That’s what I thought. Well, like it or not, I’ve decided to love you.”
If anything, his father looked appalled by that statement.
“Oh, not the gooey kind of love.” Why did he bother to explain himself? “The I-care-about-you love. And not for your sake, you understand, but because it’s the right thing to do. God asks us to love one another, even our enemies.”
His father shifted uncomfortably at the mention of God.
“Yep,” Rob said. “I’m a Christian now. I pay attention to what God says.”
“Stop embarrassing yourself.” The statement was spit out and filled with venom.
He wanted so badly to say, “As if you didn’t embarrass me many times over?” But he resisted. He wasn’t here to start fights even if that’s what his father wanted.
All around him smiling prisoners visited with chattering friends and family. Inside sat many who’d give anything to have a son visit them. But not his father. Not this uncommunicative and bitter old man.
Rob made his voice pleasant even though he wanted to scream. “You asked if Rachel was leaving the Amish because of me. Partly. But she was in the process of leaving before we met. She’s very smart and the yearning for knowledge pulled her away.”