An Unexpected Match Read online

  After what felt like an eternity, Mick slid to the ground, his light slacks collecting dirt stains and dust settling on his polished loafers.

  Where had the shot come from? Who? Johnny crouched behind his car. Would he be next?

  He looked at Mick staring at nothing, his blood seeping into the ruts and cracks in the dirt. He looked up the farm lane toward the little old lady’s house. He looked at the woods looming thick and menacing in the falling dusk.

  Never had the haven of his parents’ farm beckoned with such a golden glow of peace and safety.

  He pulled open his car door and, still crouching, slipped in. Keeping as low as he could, he turned the key, threw the car into gear and hit the gas. He tore onto the road and away. After he rounded two curves, he straightened in his seat. He kept his eye on the rearview mirror and he drove and drove.

  Slowly he started to think. He wasn’t dead. He wasn’t shot. If whoever shot Mick had wanted to shoot him, he’d already be a victim. Wouldn’t he?

  What if it was Mr. Sherman? Not that he’d have pulled the trigger. The fat man would never do such a dirty job. It might have been Thomas.

  What would Mr. S. do if he knew Johnny had gone behind his back to get Mick his steroids? And what would he do when he saw the opened envelope? And what would he do when he knew Johnny knew what he was doing?

  “Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!”

  For the first time in many years, it wasn’t taking the Lord’s name in vain.

  Chapter 34

  Living with Amy proved to be easy and entertaining. Rachel was grateful for the upbeat company. They cooked dinner together the evenings Amy didn’t work evening hours, Rachel teaching her how to cook good Pennsylvania Dutch dishes like ham loaf, dried corn, and shoofly pie.

  “Teach me to drive a buggy,” Amy asked one evening as they finished doing the dishes.

  Rachel paused with a dripping pan in her hand. “You’re kidding.”

  Amy took the pan and dried it. “If I’m going to live in an Amish house, I’d like to learn as much as I can.”

  Rachel emptied the dishwater and grabbed a dry towel for her hands. “Okay. No time like the present.”

  Bagel followed them to the barn, thrilled to go outside with his beloved Amy. Once at the barn, scents fascinated the dog and he happily explored until Rachel led Rusty from his stall. Then Bagel became an attack dog, threatened and defensive.

  He barked and snarled. He ran toward Rusty, stopping just before he was in danger from the horse’s large hooves and strong legs. Attack, retreat, attack, retreat, barking like a mad thing the whole time.

  Rachel never anticipated a problem like this. Pepper and Corny were around the horses at her parents’ all the time with never a bark. Rusty, usually very placid, grew increasingly agitated.

  “Get Bagel and take him inside.” Rachel held Rusty close and patted his neck. “It’s okay, Rusty. You’re the big guy here. It’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry!” Amy grabbed at her pet. “I don’t know what came over him.”

  She picked up the furious animal and carried him, snarling and squirming, to the house.

  Once inside he quieted, only to start barking when Amy left him to return to the barn.

  “It’s a good thing I love him.” Amy’s expression was dark as she returned to the barn rubbing at a red welt on her arm. “Is Rusty okay?”

  At first Rusty’s size intimidated Amy, but in no time she was patting his neck and feeding him carrots. Rusty played his rein game with her too, and instead of getting frustrated, Amy laughed at him as she tried to push his bulk off the rein. He shook his head and lifted his foot.

  “That’s the secret? Laughing?” Rachel glared at Rusty who stared back unperturbed.

  When Amy finally drove the buggy past the farm lane, she waved madly at Mom and Levi who were putting the little outhouses away because of a predicted storm.

  “Look at me,” she called. “I’m driving!”

  “Both hands on the reins,” Mom called. “You can’t trust cars and need to be always ready.”

  Rachel and Amy spent each evening talking about life and men and possibilities. As a result Rachel only cried about Rob and lost opportunities in the privacy of her bedroom. Without Amy’s presence she suspected she’d have moped about all week, tears leaking frequently.

  Johnny moved back to his trailer early in the week.

  “I feel fine,” he insisted. “I appreciate all you’ve done for me, Rach, but I need to be alone.”

  Rachel suspected he needed to go back to being worldly, drinking and hanging around with undesirable people. “You take care,” she said as he walked out her door.

  “Don’t you worry. I fixed it with those guys. Everything’s fine.”

  Those words didn’t comfort her.

  Around her, life continued as always. In school, her little ones became more and more comfortable with English, and the older ones concentrated on learning new things. Mom and Datt had her and Amy for dinner twice, and she and Amy did a quick two-step to keep from saying where they met. Everyone seemed happy but Rachel.

  On Saturday morning Amy slept in and finally made herself breakfast about ten o’clock. Rachel had already been working in her garden for almost two hours as she prepared it for winter. Amy wandered outside, coffee in one hand and a croissant in the other. She stood at the edge of the garden and talked the whole time she ate and drank. Rachel listened with half an ear for a while until the perky burbling suddenly became too much.

  “I’m going for a walk,” she announced in the middle of Amy’s story. She got to her feet and dropped the spade she’d been using to the ground.

  “Oh. Okay. Sure. Let me get on better shoes. And Bagel.” Amy glanced at her watch. “I have a half hour before I need to leave for work.”

  “No.” Rachel held up a hand. “I want to walk alone.”

  Amy studied her. “Too much cheer, huh?”

  Rachel retied her scarf, a plain white rectangle folded into a triangle. “I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t be. I know it’s been a tough week. I tried to make it not so sad, but I probably went overboard.” She shrugged. “I usually do. Just one of many things that drove my father nuts. Go and walk. I’ll probably be gone to work when you get back.”

  So Rachel walked and walked. And thought.

  This gift of high intelligence was such a burden. Why couldn’t she have been born ordinary? God, why not? It would have been a kindness.

  If she were ordinary, she wouldn’t be filled with this need to know everything. She’d be happy being some man’s wife, some family’s mother. She’d be satisfied with her allotted place in the community like her mother and Miriam and her sisters.

  But she wanted more. She needed more. Something inside her compelled her to more.

  Buggies rattled by and cars zoomed past as she walked. She ignored both. She barely noticed her parents’ farm lane and Jonah and Miriam’s house. At Eschs’ place four teenage girls sat on the lawn, their kapps making little hearts above their heads, their giggles coloring the air.

  Even when she was younger and sat like that with girls, giggling and talking about boys and dreams, she’d felt different, somehow apart. She loved her friends, but she knew she wasn’t like them. The other girls’ dreams were good and proper and fine. Husband, home, family. It was she who was wrong, she who desired the worldly, she who kept silent about her real heart because it would upset people if they knew.

  Mim Stoltzfus looked up from weeding her garden as Rachel passed and waved. Peter Schwartz nodded as he drove by in his wagon laden with corn stalks to be ground for silage.

  These were her People. Why couldn’t she be satisfied with living among them and living like them?

  “All I want is to learn things,” she whispered. “That’s all. Is that so terrible?”

  But life was never that simple, that linear, that cooperative. At least her life wasn’t. She felt like Elizabeth Hostetter who lost a lot of weight du
ring a bad illness. Her skin never sprang back to fit her new body, only for Rachel it was her mind that couldn’t spring back to the narrow world of her People. She had stretched it beyond repair.

  And she wanted to stretch it more.

  Therein lay a large part of her problem. She wanted to take more classes, learn more things, become her version of Dr. Dyson—whatever that would look like. And that would require leaving her community or remaining a liar. No, it would require leaving. Even she wasn’t clever enough to pull off a deceit of that magnitude, even if God would allow her to without punishing her.

  Do you promise before God and His church that you will support these teachings and regulations with the Lord’s help, faithfully attending the services of the church and help to counsel and work in it, whether it leads you to life or to death?

  She had answered ja to that question. She’d promised not only before the Gmay but before God. What jeopardy was her soul in if she broke that vow? She felt the fires of hell licking at her heels.

  “Hi, Rachel.”

  Rachel looked up and found herself in front of Sauders’ farm. Standing at the edge of the lawn and smiling at her were the three Sauder girls she taught: Elsie, Katie, and Kayla. As always, she wondered how an Amish daughter had as Englisch a name as Kayla, but the girl was Amish through and through with her hair pulled back in a little knot, her dress a miniature of her mother’s, and her feet bare.

  After talking with the girls a few minutes, Rachel walked on. What would be the effect on her students of her leaving? Confusion, disappointment, condemnation? The thought chilled her. If only she could make her choices in a vacuum, how much easier life would be.

  A car slowed beside her, and she heard a window lower. A large man with curly hair leaned toward her. She leaned away instinctively. He made her nervous. The last time she’d seen a man with curly hair had been in the parking lot the night Johnny was beaten.

  “Rachel Miller, right?”

  When she didn’t answer his question, he grinned. “Well, I know that’s who you are.”

  In a small and probably useless attempt to protect herself and Johnny, she said, “My name is Rachel Beiler, not Rachel Miller.” Not anymore.

  “Yeah, that’s right.” He brought up a finger and pointed it at her. “You got married and got widowed. You teach at the Amish school, right?”

  She felt her skin crawl that he knew so much about her.

  “Want to go for a ride?” He patted the passenger seat.

  She knew he was trying to upset her, and he was succeeding. Her mouth was dry and her palms wet. She was determined not to show her fear.

  He was a big man, a strong man. She doubted she could run fast enough to escape if he chose to come after her. She could never defend herself against him if he got physical, nor would she try. She would have to turn the other cheek.

  “You’re not afraid of me, are you?” he said through a sly smile.

  She looked around but found no one to help if needed, just fields of dead and dying corn edged by woods.

  “Don’t look so scared, Rachel honey. I’m not going to hurt you.” He paused. “At least not today. Tomorrow is up to your brother. Don’t forget to tell him Thomas said hi.” With a flick of his hand, he was gone.

  Rachel watched him disappear over a rise in the road, shaking and feeling as if she had to shower away his slime.

  Oh, Johnny!

  Her chest was tight and her shoulders tense as she added renewed worry about him to her already heavy burden. She resumed walking, heading back toward home.

  After she mentally shook off the worst of her encounter with Thomas, Rachel found her swirling thoughts once again running circles. They made her weary as they hopped first this way, then that, like a rabbit working his way through a field of clover.

  If she were a godly woman, wouldn’t she just yield to the Gmay—uffgevva and all that—and live as she’d been taught? Wouldn’t she become her version of her mother and all the other women in the Gmay?

  But God was the one who gifted her with this questing mind, wasn’t He? He was the one who planted in her a hunger for knowledge. Not just wisdom and common sense like Jonah and Datt had as well as many others she knew, but facts, ideas, theories, thoughts, and the many expressions of them?

  She was a would-be academic in a culture that didn’t understand and feared formal education because they thought it made you proud and separated you from God.

  But did it have to? Dr. Dyson didn’t seem proud. She seemed caring and kind. And she loved God. It was obvious from her lectures and assignments that she wanted her students to love Him even as they learned to think. Surely if Dr. Dyson could be both a Christian and an academic, so could she.

  As she rounded the last curve and began the final leg toward home, she faced the other factor that fed her confusion: Rob.

  She felt a sweet thrill and her heart beat faster at the thought of him and his smile. He was a handsome man, a strong man, and she was attracted to him for those reasons, but not for them alone. He was so much more, and it was the more that drew her. He was such a fine man, a man who loved God as she did. He would understand at least some of her vows:

  Do you confess that Jesus Christ is the Son of God? Do you renounce the world, the devil with all his subtle ways, as well as your own flesh and blood, and desire to serve Jesus Christ alone, who died on the cross for you?

  But could he understand the rest of that confessional question? Do you recognize this to be a Christian order, church, and fellowship under which you now submit yourself?

  He’d understand it meant she was Amish and he wasn’t.

  She understood that she had committed to her church, the gemiende, the Gmay. She’d told God she was committed. She’d told God she was Amish. Promised God.

  But was she Amish? Didn’t her rebel heart alone put her outside the Gmay? And didn’t her deceitful practices remove her from the sanctity of the community? Those practices would certainly put her in jeopardy of being denied fellowship if they were known and not repented of. And to her shame and disorientation she didn’t feel regret or want to repent.

  She’d always been the good girl, the one who tried to keep the rules and model the Christian walk. She did her best to avoid controversy and division. She appreciated submission and community. She loved her family and didn’t want to cause them pain.

  Yet here she was, willfully breaking the rules. She was a liar instead of a good Christian. She was becoming more certain by the minute she was going to cause controversy and division. She was going to rebel instead of submit, and most regretful of all, she was going to hurt her family. She was going to turn her back on things she’d believed her whole life.

  The heaviness in her chest was surely her soul about to implode from the pressure.

  As she walked past Max’s, she could already hear Bagel complaining about being left alone. With each step his unhappiness increased in volume. She felt a flash of sympathy for the grumpy lady who lived below Amy. Then she forgot Bagel as her own problems continued to consume her.

  What if she left the Gmay and things didn’t work out with Rob? She knew he was unhappy with her, disappointed in her. He felt betrayed. What if he couldn’t get past her deceit? Maybe his affection for her wasn’t strong enough to make him tackle the monumental task of trying to understand why she’d done what she’d done. Given the pain his father’s lies had caused him and his family, she understood the revulsion he must be feeling for her and her actions.

  Be sure your sin will find you out.

  What if she left and she spent the rest of her life as a single woman? For a person raised in a large family and an enveloping community, she would be truly alone.

  But she was alone even with the People. For years she’d kept her true self hidden from everyone including those she loved most. Even Aaron hadn’t known the yearnings of her heart.

  Her head buzzed and her heart thundered. She was so lost in thought that it wasn’t until she was
climbing the front steps that she realized someone was sitting on the porch.

  He stood and her heart tripped. She thought for a moment that the threatening Thomas had come for her after all.

  He took a step toward her, arms stretched wide. “Rachel.”

  “Rob!” Without a second thought she threw herself into his embrace and felt her confusing world steady. The bubble of anxiety squeezing her chest burst like a ruptured dam, and she began to cry as all the tension rushed out.

  “Shhh, baby.” Rob stroked her back. “We’ll work it out.”

  “We will?” Her tear-soaked voice wobbled.

  “We will.” He leaned back and looked down at her. She knew she was probably blotchy from crying, but he didn’t seem to care. He brushed away her tears with his thumb. “At least I now have the answer to one question.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Would you want to see me.”

  She hugged him, blinking against new tears, happy tears because he was here. “I want to see you. I need to see you.”

  He kissed her and she kissed him back, her arms wrapped tightly around him. Her heart sang and her blood fizzed with excitement and joy. Rob had come to her! With him at her side and God at her back, she knew she’d find the courage to do what she needed to do.

  As the kiss broke, she heard a buggy rattle by, and some of her joy dissolved into anxiety. As she rested her head against Rob’s chest, she saw her sister-in-law Miriam drive past, eyes wide in shock.

  Chapter 35

  Rob felt Rachel stiffen in his arms. At the same time he became aware of a buggy driving by. He turned his head and saw a startled young woman watching them.

  “Trouble?” he asked but made no move to release her. To his relief she made no move to pull away.

  She nodded against his chest “My sister-in-law.” Her voice was small and sad.

  “I’m sorry. I should have been more discreet.” He kissed her forehead, and he felt her relax.

  She shrugged. “It just hastens the inevitable.” She took his hand. “Let’s go inside.”